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April 19, 2014- 7:39pm
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Well, butter my behind and call me a biscuit.

It's been hotter'n a goat's behind in a pepper patch.

He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Have a cup of coffee - It's already been 'saucered and blowed.'

She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.

It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull.

He's as country as cornflakes.

This is gooder'n grits.

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

I'm 'bout as nervous as a long tailed cat in a
room full of rocking chairs.

Busy as a moth in a mitten.

Happy as a clam at high tide.

Notice to Northerners moving to Texas:

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be
instructed on how to use it shortly.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does
not mean Texans can. Stay home the two days of
the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive pick-up
with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try
to help them. Just stay out of their way. This
is what they live for.

You can ask Texans for directions, but unless you
already know the positions of key hills, trees
and rocks, you're better off trying to find it

Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is
plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "Y'all ain't from 'round
here, are ya?"

Don't be worried that you don't understand
anyone. They don't understand you, either.

The first Texan expression to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the
adjective "big ol", as in big ol truck", or
"big olboy."

"Fixin" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to he store")
is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.

As you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph
in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the
road, remember: most Texas folks learned to drive
on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and
lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this!" - get out of his way. These are likely the
last words he will ever say, or worse still, that
you will ever hear.

Most Texans do not use turn signals; they ignore
those who do. In fact, if you see a signal
blinking on a car with a Texas license plate,
you may rest assured that it was already turned
on when the car was purchased.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't
worth cooking, let alone eating.

The wardrobe you always brought out in Sept
can wait until Dec.

If there is the prediction of the slightest
chance of even the most minuscule accumulation
of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need
anything from the store. It is just something
you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in Texas.
When you purchase one it is positioned directly
in front of the trailer. This is logical,
bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably
more than the trailer and should, therefore, be
prominently displayed.

Be advised that in Texas, "He needed killin" is
a valid defense.

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