April 20, 2014- 5:02pm
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How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your
hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs. (If LEGOs are not available,
you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend
spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in
sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with
water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or
Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to
12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz
and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set
alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the
front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on
the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest
food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read
it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience,
tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they
can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow
their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you'll have all the answers.

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