April 25, 2014- 2:36am
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Computer Virus Warning!

Subject: VIRUS WARNING - Read This NOW!

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes,"
delete it immediately. Do not open it. Ap-
parently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your
hard drive, but it will also delete any-
thing on disks within 20 feet of your

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your
credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, messes
up the tracking on your VCR and uses sub-
space field harmonics to scratch any CD's
you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's
coolness settings so all your ice cream
melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call
only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your
fish tank.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee
table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your
toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest,
you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair
and your Nair with Rogaine, all while
dating your current boy/girlfriend be-
hind your back.

It will cause you to run with scissors
and throw things in a way that is only
fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files,
changing all your active verbs to
passive tense and incorporating
undetectable misspellings which
grossly change the interpretations
of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in
a Windows95 environment, it will leave
the toilet seat up and leave your hair
dryer plugged in dangerously close to
a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden
tags from your mattresses and pillows,
but it will also refill your skim milk
with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat
with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne
or perfume, causing it to smell like dill

It is insidious and subtle. It is dan-
gerous and terrifying to behold. It is
also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection!

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